Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies