murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Sooo many times…..
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The pen is writier than the sword.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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