If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.