Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.