Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
never ask a starfish for directions
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I created you as mosquito food.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I can’t be the only one 😂
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.