[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Rt to bother an English speaker
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
There’s always that one guy
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.