me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The 6 types of sex
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I enjoy a good short stor
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
They did not think through this water fountain
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.