just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”