Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
This probably isn’t good
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old