tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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Me checking my bank balance online.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It鈥檚 like doing all your homework on Friday so you don鈥檛 need to worry the rest of the weekend
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don鈥檛 want to hear about your problems.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I鈥檓 ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i鈥檓 bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You鈥檙e embarrassing me. You鈥檙e a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I鈥檒l thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you鈥檙e going to have to let him go at some point and he鈥檚 going to be pissed.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.