A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You Might Also Like
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.