If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.