I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.