My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high