Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
You Might Also Like
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time