Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Breaking news:
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.