“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts