It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver