Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.