TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.