[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Hmm, not sure about this change
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over