Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.