“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
uncle dave has been through hell
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator