We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
brian had himself a morning…
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.