What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
this is literally a CIA plant
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.