Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT