[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.