TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.