Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe