Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
A dad and his duck
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not