Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.