Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard