GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You Might Also Like
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
the last thing a carrot sees