My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Love is always patient and kind.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*