Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A great tip. #CakeRex
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.