Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.