friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Finally, a door that understands me
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.