I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.