Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I thought this was funny lol
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow