nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
U talkin 2 me?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.