friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”