Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
oppen heimer style lol
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.