Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
What the hell is going on?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
starting a garage orchestra
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*