I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
…u ok Nintendo?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Every photo I’m tagged in
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.