dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!