Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I am having an out of money experience.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good