Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
stop
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.