It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Good boy 😂😂
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”