Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok