2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants